whispering to butterflies

Growing Up

Growing up so quickly has its ups and downs. I’m on my way to being an independent adult, but so often it feels like I’m getting there too fast.

Part of it is completing college on time. It feels so fast; in less that a year I’ll be doing my student teaching. Although I’ve come a long way in my education and experience regarding teaching, sometimes I get the feeling I’m not completely ready. 

Yet that’s the thing, no one is completely ready their first year. No one’s completely ready to grow up and live their own life because there are things we still need to learn, things we won’t learn except from experience. I can ask my dad all the questions about buying a house, or the teachers at school all about teaching in a classroom, but nothing compares to the experience yet to come for me. 

Part of me is still scared to grow up. It is the same part of me that wants to stay in my bed, play video games, watch movies, and read all day every day. It’s the part I listen to on weekends or days I’m not scheduled to work and there’s no school. The part of me that desires teaching and surviving in the world always wins, and there’s really no argument to that.

Asymptote

We are a graph of asymptote lines

coming close but never together.

Odd conversations and unread signs,

even through the rainy weather.

A day of love is still just that,

flowers, friends, fluttery beatings,

Atop the matted grass where two sat

reminising of their first meetings.

It’s all a dream without you there.

The day still stands whether or not

Chocolate candy waits with a bear,

or if a letter sits, full of thought.

So often they say, “Today is the day,”

but let’s go slow, do as we do

Til one of us has the courage to say,

“Who? Well you, I choose you.”

———

Well, this was supposed to be posted on Valentine’s Day but I got distracted.

hit0kiri asked: hahaha, wow I didn't even see the "know's" :o too much ugly girls in the bg :|

LOL. It was the second thing I noticed after the “your.”

2012

I’ll probably do a formal reflection on this past year in a couple days, but at the moment there is one thing I want to focus on. 

2012 was not a great year relationship-wise. The Star Advertiser’s zodiac prediction told me it would be - lies. It isn’t only in the sense of romantic relationships, but also friendships too. However, through everything that has worked against me, I think it has worked to bring me to where I am now (although I don’t quite know where that is).

It has been a long time since I felt the way that I feel now. It isn’t so much the strong feelings for one person, but knowing that the person was a friend first. It is the feeling of happiness, laughter, and timidity. There is the automatic and sincere acceptance of things not working out, but always with the hope that they just might.

A customer asked me if Santa brought me what I wanted this year. Santa didn’t bring me anything this year because my wish is the kind that doesn’t go under the tree. (Of course I didn’t have a tree…although my workplace had, so I suppose it could have been put there instead seeing as the wish is there already.)

laughter

Real laughter requires a smile, and a smile is always an act of love. 

As of late, I’ve had the gift of so much laughter. There is so much to be thankful for, and so much to love.

Beginnings and Ends

I don’t think beginnings receive as much recognition as the ends do. The beginning is more modest; it slowly enters until it has been so much a part of your life that it is like it has been there the entire time. 

Take the sunrise and sunset for example. If you have ever been awake early enough to watch the sun rise, there is a slow transition from night to day, the sky slowly lighting up. It isn’t dramatic. It does not scream to be seen; instead it glorifies the sun so that all may feel its presence. They come early, slowly, and we barely notice them.

Sunsets are different. They make a grand show that people stop to look at when they pass. Everyone notices them because the sun that warmed their faces during the day is leaving, and leaving always makes itself known. Once it is gone, you notice its absence.

An odd thing though happened one morning after I thought those thoughts above: a sunrise painted the sky with brilliant hues of golden orange. It made itself known, but kept its modest self. Perhaps this is only a sunrise to others, but for me I hope it is a sign. 

Finding Peace

Over the weekend, I had the chance to sit with my thoughts for what felt like over two hours (I’ll never know, there were no clocks around), and cut the ropes that were keeping me from finding peace. I didn’t have to cut them forever, just for the weekend at least. My thoughts went from a recent event to finally figuring out what, or rather who, the ropes were. It did sadden me to realize it, but I think fully realizing it helped me find some peace after a few tears were shed.

My two friends I made in middle school that I kept through high school

I think that thought could sadden anyone. Yet when I thought back, I realize it was what kept me from finding peace with myself and ultimately peace in general. I used to spend countless days wondering why I couldn’t seem as good as them, or why they always had all these guys chasing after them. And even more recently my summer had stretched me thin while I tried to plan a girl’s night for weeks before giving up completely. My peace was being thrown farther and farther away from me. 

I came to the conclusion a while ago that I don’t want to be like them at all. I’d rather show the world who I am rather than someone the world thinks I am. I’d rather own up to my mistakes to those close to me than cover them up as though they’ve never happened. I’d rather be honest than deceitful, and as honest to people as I am to God. 

In the past year, I’ve only known peace twice. Once during my trip to California and once during my retreat. In both, I left a world behind for a while and found ways to grow and accept myself. I found peace in people who accepted me as I was and who were going to be there to support me through growth. I found peace in people who showed me their imperfections so that I could come to love my own imperfections.

And now I’ve found my peace. After receiving the blessings of so many people who accept me for who I am, and inspire me to grow, I’ve found my peace. I’ve found it in Stacey, Zak, Steph, Andrew, and my entire Awakening family. 

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” -Perks of Being a Wallflower

When I think back on the past three years, I realize I haven’t thought I deserved any better until now. 

It took me three years, but now I know my worth and what I deserve.

It’s always those small, witty conversations that make the work day so enjoyable. Life is always better when you can smile and laugh more.

I think one of the more touching things in life, especially with friends, is realizing that they remember things about you that you didn’t remember about yourself. Even if it’s something irrelevant like Goobers.

I did nothing on my list. Life has it’s way of filling the empty spots with other things, like resting. I still have a week of break left; it’s time to make the best of it.

I just realized that I haven’t finished editing my pictures from my SF/Berkeley trip. It’s been months. 

I have two weeks and to-do list to go with it:

• edit and post pictures from SF/Berkeley
• finish folding the swan
• mail out mail
• start folding cranes to make the mobile
• fold many butterflies to make another mobile
• find something for sore fingertips
• finish taking real notes on the exceptional children text
• help Stacey be productive at Starbucks at the same time

It’s not as bad as it looks, come to think of it.