whispering to butterflies

the important things

The important things are not the main points of our lives but the things in between them. They are those small conversations that start everything, and the quiet words that end it all. They are the battles within ourselves and with others. They are part of the rising action, leading to the climax, and they have everything to do with the falling action to the exposition of our stories. 

adaptation

It has occurred to me multiple times over the past year that I am in the minority of humans. I am an introvert in an extroverted world, and a left-hander in a right-handed world. This world was built around extroverts, and was made for right-handers. 

My speech teacher was elated to find that he had four (or possibly more) left-handed students in one class. It was more than other semesters, and a smaller class. He shared with us the things we either found quite hard to use, or things we had to adapt in order to use. Among the items were: scissors, can openers, refrigerator doors, and cameras. Some things we don’t notice because they were easy to adapt to. Others we found odd for a while until we found a way to adapt to them too. Few companies make it easy for us and create tools and supplies for left-handed people. Left-handed scissors, for example, make things so much easier. It didn’t dawn on me that it was a right-handed world until I called every office supply store on the island of O’ahu and found that none of them carried true left-handed scissors (the type where the blades are switched so that you can see where you’re cutting). 

When I started at Leeward, my coworker commented on how quiet and “to myself” I was.  He was the type of person who thrived on social interactions; he was, quite obviously, an extrovert. Many of the instructors there were either extroverts, or adapted introverts. Three months after starting my job at Leeward, I started the one at the theatre. By this time, I somewhat adapted to conversations with people. I had, in a way, figured out an algorithm for conversation. Social interactions still tire me out. There are days at work where I have to rack my brain in order to converse with a customer who is trying to make conversation. It isn’t in my nature, but it’s something I had to learn how to do. 

Being a human means constant adaptation to the world around you. Existing in this world means adapting. It is adapting in order to use our setbacks for our benefit. It is adapting to become stronger and smarter in order to survive in this ever-changing world.

Interesting Animals

I tend to find certain things interesting, such as female praying mantises and black widows. Now these are my least favorite animals. That, however, does not make them any less interesting. 

The most interesting thing about them is that they eat/kill their mate after mating. Then I thought: what if it were like that with humans? Well, several things.

1. Elimination of baby mama drama. Or baby daddy drama.
2. Every male would be a virgin.
3. No one would have to worry about sleeping with someone that another person did…because, you know, they’re not there anymore.
4. Reduction in amount of “players” in the “game.”

However, given that we are humans, and quite different than others that share our biological Kingdom, there are other factors. 

thoughts

For a moment tonight, I thought back to the night you took me to the fishing spot in Hawaii Kai. We’ve changed a lot since that night.

The moment that memory came to me, I realized one thing: I miss you, but not in the way I used to. I used to miss you more, and in a way that kept me wanting to see you again. The way I miss you now is the way I miss eating Twix bars; I can do without it even if I want it. 

I’ve outgrown you. I think it’s odd when you outgrow a person. Life changes, but it’s not often you find that you’ve outgrown someone. And I’ve outgrown you, not that it’s a bad thing. It means that I’m growing and learning. 

Graduation

My coworker told me he decided not to walk when he got his Associates because it meant that it was the end of something to him, and he might not try as hard. 

Graduation, for me, has always been the start of something new. My high school graduation was the start of my young adult life in college. I was very ready to leave high school. I don’t know if it was because I had been there for four years, or if it was because of what happened in those four years, but I was ready to go. 

My graduation from Leeward is the start of my time at Chaminade and my semi-adult life. Soon I need to find a job in the education field; I can’t wait for that. I’m not quite as ready to leave there as I was with high school. But I’ve grown and I don’t need to be ready. 

The past year and a half has given me people who have changed my life. I’ve become a little more confident in who I am and what I’m doing. With their help, I’ve taken chances I don’t know if I’d take if I didn’t meet them. 

Everything that happened in the past two years has prepared me for my future. There is nothing I would take back (except, perhaps, the procrastination).

Late Nights

It has been a terribly busy weekend for the theaters and I’ve been working every day since the midnight premiere of The Avengers. Many people have been on edge, and I can honestly say I was one of those people, especially on Friday night. My coworker and I were scheduled with one new person (female) and a person (male) who has a problem listening to women. Everything was a battle. From the appropriate times to pop a batch of popcorn, to washing hands, to common courtesies like telling someone where you are going. Everything. And for the most part, my coworker and I lost every battle. We were not being listened to because we were not telling them what they wanted to hear. 

I was asked to stay to close, which would be an extra hour and a half added on to my already seven and a half hour shift. I was happy to oblige. Had I not, my coworkers might have gotten released later than we did. 

I say that, because three of us stayed outside and talked for an hour and a half after we were released. I suppose you could say it was girl talk, but I’ll tell you it was nice. It was nice to stay out and talk to people I like being around about things we all want to talk about. Granted, most of it was ranting but the conversation moved here and there. Laughing, I’m happy to add, took up a lot of the time. 

Dreams

I have always had odd experiences with dreams, particularly those I have when napping. Some dreams are predictions, like when I dreamed that my coworker was enraged for a specific reason and went to work the next morning to find it was true. Some are manifestations of my current thoughts, conscious and unconscious, like when I dreamed of the ferry that couples were boarding and disembarking, yet the person I was with and I could not find a way onboard. Others are simply dreams, though not many come to mind. 

I took a two-hour nap today, almost deserved except that I had come home late from work last night and went to work my other job at 8:00 in the morning. 

I spent the beginning of my dream getting ready for an event with a friend I haven’t seen in years. My dreams transported me to a place where it was normal for semi-public events to be held in order for a male (or female) to find a partner to marry. It wasn’t only for that purpose, as established couples (the friend I was with was part of that group of people). 

I’m fairly sure that I was dragged along to this in the dream. I got shoved into a strapless black dress that fell to just above my knees (which I must say I somewhat wish I had now) and what I hope were my favorite pair of heels, then led out to leave for the event. Just before we leave, I have my normal feeling of nervousness overwhelming me. A third person who I identified as a kind of social coach for us told me to just be confident, even if I didn’t feel it. 

It then cuts to later in the night where I met the person who the event is for. I didn’t know it until at the end of the night, where he announces who he chose. I remember how easy it was to talk to the person, and how it seemed almost normal for me to converse easily when it is rarely ever like that in real life. 

There were two things I got from the dream that I had already heard in conversations I’ve had with people while awake. 1. Be confident. 2. Be you.

The second had always been easy for me. It didn’t mean I was confident about being me, but I was always me. The first I have only grasped as of late. I didn’t even think it worked until recently. My coworker was the first to tell me that most of how you appear is how you carry yourself (“75% of it is how you carry yourself,” was the exact quote). That was, however, in relation to what we were all wearing for dinner/clubbing that night. I ended up looking a little too conservative in relation to my peers, but I was comfortable with myself, and confidence closely followed. I even made a new friend that night.

So I woke up without the guy. But more importantly, I was reminded to keep being myself and keep being confident no matter how difficult things get. It was a reminder to not let things, big or small, bring me down. 

The closer I get to my SF/Berkeley trip, the more excited and nervous I get.

“I only have a year left.”

One of the English instructor’s students told her that today. Within the next week or two, her class will be taking the Nelson-Denny, a reading skills test. 

One of her students told her that. “I only have a year left.” 

And then said, “I still want to take this test.” The instructor asked the counselor what she should say to that student. What do you say to someone who tells you they have a year left? The question posed by the counselor was this, “What would you do if you had a year left?” 

Most of us would not want to study for a test if we had a year left. Some of us would break down. Others would try to check everything off their bucket list. How many of us would not let it change our lives? How many of us would go on as we planned, still working for a future that a doctor said may not happen? 

“And don’t think too much, you’ll hurt your brain.”

“It’s not my brain I’m worried about.”

It’s my heart.

dannyhiga:

The longer you stay single and feel lonely, the easier it is to feel like there’s something wrong with you. A number of talking and dating stages that failed to turn into something more, people leaving you feeling like you weren’t worth the effort, or simply because they found someone better. It’s so easy to just feel like you’re not meant to be with anyone. To over-analyze every situation to see what you could have done to possibly save what you had, where in the end you just blame yourself. When you put yourself out there with everything you’ve got when an opportunity arrives, just to see it go to waste. It’s just so exhausting. 

One Chance

You only got one chance to be with me. There are few people in this world that I would consider a second chance with and you aren’t one of those.

When you begin to realize exactly what you have done to the people who have cared about you, it is already too late. You cannot wait until they are happy without you to figure out what you missed out on, especially if they have moved on to other people.

You have some serious issues, and you really should fix those first.

Summer Trip

My summer trip to San Francisco/Berkeley is a big step for me. It will be the first time I’ve been off the island in ten years. It will be the first time I’m away from home for more than a week. Lastly, it will be the first time I travel alone. There will be days where I’ll explore an unfamiliar city by myself, and there will be days where my friend shows me around. 

I’m not good at these kinds of things. Although I can be independent, I have never spent more than a week away from my dad and sister. The last time I was away from home for a week was Kamehameha Schools Explorations the summer after fifth grade. I cried the first night in the dorms. I, and few other girls, woke up the entire hallway. 

This trip is one way of helping me grow more than staying here in Hawaii for those ten days could do. 

On getting older

As we get older and struggle to figure out how to live an adult life, it is entirely possible that we finally realize how our parents can spend an hour talking to a friend that they bump into at the store. When our lives start to become work, school, and family, it’s hard to always make time to see the people we were once close with. 

My extent of being social is watching movies and wandering around Wal-Mart with my coworkers on select school nights. Even when I’m not at work, I am there. Likewise, even when I don’t work with some of my coworkers, I am still around them. 

I haven’t seen my friends for a while. Granted, some of them did go away for college, but the ones that stayed here? I haven’t seen them in a while. I can’t remember the last time I had a night out with any of them. There are some days when I bump into some and play catch-up, and I greatly enjoy those few times.

Although I have accepted this as a part of growing older, I often find myself missing being younger.